I found myself thinking about being vulnerable with people this week. I had a conversation where I was told that it’s okay to tell someone how I feel if I have a problem. I’m not a person who just dives into letting anyone close to me. Well I use to be. In fact when I used to meet people I used to practically vomit out my whole life story before I knew the person for like five minutes. That has changed though. Life has taught me that everyone doesn’t deserve to know everything about me. I have had people actually turn things that I told them into a weapon and basically use it against me. They have spread the information I told them to others and I have been totally embarrassed. So I’m just not that keen on just sharing information about myself with many people.
Another thing is if I have been burned before I’m not going to be excited to tell you anything because my trust is just gone. I find that I often don’t feel comfortable telling people if I don’t like something, if I like something, or even if something is bothering me because at some point in my life I did and it just didn’t workout for me. It takes a lot of effort to talk to people about my feelings so if I come to you with a problem and you just dismiss me or nothing changes I’m not going to tell you again depending on what it is. Some things I don’t mind repeating a few times. Other things I think I should only have to say it once and that be it. Once I don’t get the reaction or change I want I kind of go within myself and tuck things that bother me about someone in a corner of my mind. After some experiences I just don’t really feel too keen on just offering information up. Just know that if and when I share any type of information with anyone that it didn’t come easy for me. I have thought about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it over and over in my mind. I hyped myself up until I felt the courage to say it. It will never be known if it took me minutes or days to say what I felt needed to be said. If I approach anyone about a problem or let them in in anyway it is because I value the person. If I am hurt it will take me awhile to feel comfortable enough to be that vulnerable again if at all.
Vulnerability for me is a gift. I can’t just hand it over to people like I used to. I have come to realize that I have to be selective with who I let in, Everyone doesn’t deserve it. It’s not even really easy with those closest to me. I think that is mainly because I don’t want to hurt them. But also because being vulnerable with them is new as in I use to just not say anything when I was hurt or anything and now that I am it takes some getting used to. It’s not easy when you haven’t been doing something and now you are doing it. I still struggle with it but I’m learning how to do it.