I remember my very first bully. I was in fifth grade. There was a boy who forever reason just decided he didn’t like me. I was new to the school. My family and I had only been living there for a few days when I started school it was already in session. I was a really quiet person. Especially when I didn’t know anyone. At this point I had not yet met the two brothers who would become my brothers. I was just this girl who wanted to go home. New area, new school, and new people I was over it already. About a month later I was sitting at my desk when my bully walked up to me and out the blue told me I was ugly. I ignored him and he just became relentless. He would call me names. He didn’t bother anyone else in class like this at all. I think I was a target because I was so different. In fifth grade I mainly wore jogging suits and stretch pants, I kept my hair in braids (well my mom did), and I just didn’t care how I looked. I was a bit delayed in that department. I just dressed however my mom thought was best. I didn’t really have my own sense of style.
Either way Jermaine (That was his name) would find some way to torment. I can’t remember ever doing anything to make him dislike me. One of the worse months in my life was when my teacher sat him next to me when she moved the class around. I had informed her that I was being bullied by this person. She told me that she believed he was doing it because he liked me. Matter fact anyone besides my parents who I told what he was doing to me I was told he liked me and didn’t know how to express himself. Even when I told them he was messing with my food (we had snack in class) , that he stole my stuff, and would pinch me. When my mom called and reported what was going on. They downplayed it as two kids who liked each other and didn’t know how to handle it. I can tell you I didn’t like this boy at all. Then one day he pinched me and I finally had enough so I slapped him and he punched me in my face. Do you know these people wanted to suspend me for ten days. Thank god my mom wasn’t having it. I got a one day suspension and he got ten days. Which of course made him torment me even more. The only thing they kept doing was believing what they wanted. I was so glad when the school year ended. I had one incident with him in middle school he followed me and hit me upside my head for no reason. My mom immediately reported it to the principal and let them know that if it happened again there would be a problem.
What was upsetting to me was the whole time I was telling the people who were suppose to be in charge what was going on instead of doing anything about it they tried their hardest to convince me that my abuser was expressing his affection towards me. I wasn’t feeling any affection from him. I felt tormented. I felt like no one was listening to me. It took my mom threatening legal action and pressing charges against the school for them t actually do anything. He finally stopped.
This memory popped up in my mind because one day at work a little girl was expressing how this boy kept hitting her and she didn’t like it. She was telling the story to the coworker. The coworker immediately told her that the boy liked her. I immediately remembered being told that was like. The girl told my coworker well she didn’t like it. Now I don’t know what my coworker did but I hope she talked to the young man. Cause that is not the way to express you like someone. Dismissing this young girl’s feelings is not okay. We as adults are suppose to protect children not justify the actions that they dislike. Whenever my daughter or son told me that someone was messing with them I immediately jumped on it. I woud give them tools to help deal with the situation and then when that failed themama bear would come out and I would do whatever necessary to put an end to whatever problem they were having.
I want my children and the kids I work with to know that if they talk to me I will take action. Not dismiss them. No every situation doesn’t mean punishment. A child may need to be taught better ways to express their feelings but you won’t know if you don’t take action.
So many of the things our parents and grandparents used to tell us as kids are beyond problematic. My mama was never the “he hit you because he likes you” type. She didn’t hit me, so surely she wasn’t about to let anyone else.
Right! It just doesn’t makes sense. It is not okay. I got spankings but my parents weren’t going to let me accept people mistreating me.
I’m definitely guilty of starting strong and fizzling out. Now, I just remind myself to pace myself to avoid burnout. DO THE WORK and celebrate the little victories along the way.
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I was just telling someone how harmful it is to tell children, young girls in specific, that a boy bullying them means they like them. I had a few Jermaines in my upbringing. We definitely have to change this narrative that bullying is not okay in any form.
Yes. I so agree. Just because a child likes someone it doesn’t make it okay for them to mistreat them.
I talk to my kids about bullying all the time. I had a few bullies growing up, nothing that made me insecure about myself. There was one girl when I was in 6th grade that just hated me for no reason. I would walk a different route home so I didn’t have to be bothered. Some days that worked other days not so much.
Yes. I tried to ignore them but it was so hard.
Having a 7 Yr old I make sure our communication lines are ALWAYS open.
Everybody is not for everybody is a constant theme but I have been lucky so far as bullying being a non issue SO FAR. Her school system has very strict rules in that regard and one instance could lead to expulsion. I am and will always be on alert for this. Very timely topic.
I am so glad your child is in a school system that takes it seriously. I wish mine did.
Bullying is not affection and doesn’t mean someone likes you. Thanks for this post, we need to stop ignoring and making excuses and be proactive.
I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from it is so hard to get people to understand this.
I had bullies in 5th grade and junior high school. Thank God in High School I didn’t have a bully. I def think it is important to listen to kids when they tell you something. That is why some children don’t tell or express their feelings. I hope that you can intervene or talk to your co-worker about the importance of listening to the girls thoughts
I agree. I never got a chance to talk to the co-worker again. But now when I hear the kids say something like that I try to encourage them not to say anything like that.
I was bullied sometimes in school, but I don’t think it was detrimental. It did make me side-eye most people until they proved to be absolutely trustworthy. The only bullying that probably had a lasting impact was the kids in my class saying I was the ugliest person in the class and if everyone died and I was the last person on earth they still wouldn’t marry me. That was elementary, fast forward into the stages of puberty and somehow I blossomed into one person considered to be beautiful. What changed other than development? In high school I went to a private all black school. That did wonders for me (especially because growing up at home my mom would tell me that beauty wasn’t important because I was smart.) Now, I homeschool my kids.
I was tormented by the same boy all the way up to middle school until I moved. But then I was bullied by other kids but he was the worse one.
I was bullied sometimes in school, but I don’t think it was detrimental. It did make me side-eye most people until they proved to be absolutely trustworthy. The only bullying that probably had a lasting impact was the kids in my class saying I was the ugliest person in the class and if everyone died and I was the last person on earth they still wouldn’t marry me. That was elementary, fast forward into the stages of puberty and somehow I blossomed into one person considered to be beautiful. What changed other than development? In high school I went to a private all black school. That did wonders for me (especially because growing up at home my mom would tell me that beauty wasn’t important because I was smart.) Now, I homeschool my kids. Go figure, right?
Omg that’s so crazy that people allowed his bullying to continue! Sorry you had to go through that. I agree, when I have children, I will make sure they know they can talk to me about it, and I’ll make sure it’s addressed and it ends.
Yeah. My mom was not happy with it at all. She did everything she could to protect me.
I hate they way the lie that some boy hitting you is a sign of affection and that people continue to perpetuate that instead of teaching boys how to appropriately act.
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Yep. I’ve seen it with little girls too. Have to teach kids better of this will continue.
I don’t have kids, but I feel everyone gets bullied even adults. Important for everyone to understand it is not affection.
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Exactly. It is such a huge problem. Definitely not the way to let someone know you like them.
Thank you for saying this! I hate how people say things like “oh he likes you, that’s why he picks on you.” It’s laying some very dangerous seeds that could blossom when that child’s older. Abuse, violence and bully is 100% NOT a form of affection.
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I so agree. I don’t know why people keep saying it like it will one day become true.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! I remember in middle school being bullied, and none of my teachers doing anything about it.
Yes it was so hard to deal with.