As I’m starting to become more aware of myself I am beginning to realize I have certain defenses that have come about because I have experienced trauma. I have been doing these things to protect myself. I have been doing some of them for so long that I don’t even have to think about them before I do them. Because I’m starting to recognize them I am on a mission to now stop these defenses. I’m just tired of giving the thoughts of others, people, and my past control over my thoughts, emotions, and anything else.
Some of my defenses are people pleasing, I’m super defensive, I automatically apologize even when I’m not wrong, I don’t speak up for myself, I overthink everything, and I will punish myself before anyone else can. That’s just a few things I do. There is so much more. Did I mention I have anxiety up the wazoo.
I started therapy because I really want to work through these things. I think the first step is to admit that I do these things and why. Like I know for a fact that I become really quiet when someone shows disapproval to something I’m saying or doing. This is because I have had people have strong reactions to me saying something they didn’t like. The first thing I would do is be like okay so this person doesn’t like this so I will just be quiet. Also it’s a way for me to protect myself from saying the wrong thing. Cause the last thing I want to do is say something to hurt someone or say something I will regret later. Another example is me over explaining. If I really want someone to really understand where I’m coming from or I’m uncomfortable I will explain until I’m b blue in the face. Peoples perception of me still matters and I don’t want to be seen in a horrible light. I still want to be accepted, loved, and respected.
I will admit I totally hate that I do these things. Especially being 40 years old. I’ll be 41 next month and I want to tone things down. Like having a filter is okay but it doesn’t need to be to the point I’m stifling myself. It is frustrating how quick I will do these things too. I can tell I changed a little. But just not enough for me. I know these things take time but I have moments where I wish I could press a day forward moment and be the new me I desire to be. Everyone says once you hit 40 you shed caring about what anyone thinks if you but I am just not there yet. I’m so ready for it. I’m tired of carrying this around. But I get it’s a work in progress so I’m going to be patient.
