The end of 2020 just has not been going the way I want it to. Everything was fine at the beginning but the end is making ready for 2021 even more now. I had a plan and it just didn’t workout the way I wanted it to at all and I’m super frustrated.
First let’s start with the medical issues. I have been dealing with medical issues for awhile now. This year I thought I would just simply deal with them. Get what I needed done done and then bam go back to work. Nope that’s not what is happening at all. It’s been one issue after another and I’m just waiting for this roller coaster to end.
Of course you can’t have medical issues without it affecting those closest to you. This thing literally just threw a grenade on my marriage. Like if you want to test your marriage let something unexpected happen and it be medical and it be something neither one of you can control. Then all your issues are revealed and on top of what you are already dealing with it is just a mix for disaster. Now we are working on our issues but trust me it is by no means easy. Especially since we are still dealing with my medical stuff.
I haven’t worked since the second week of October. I was suppose to get my medical issues fixed but it had to be pushed back because something else popped up. So now money is extra tight and The Husband once again is the only one working. He’s trying his best to keep our heads above water and support me at the same time. Which isn’t easy for him at all. At the same time I’m trying to support him as well. I try to. Thank God for my therapist. Having someone to talk to has definitely helped. She is unbiased and tells me the truth. I’m honestly proud of my husband. He isn’t letting me hide like I want to from what’s going on with me. With my current situation I have something people can see and I don’t want to be judged for it but I don’t want to stay on my house. My husband has been telling me I’m beautiful every day and saying he will defend me if anyone has anything to say about it. I find that such a turn on but don’t tell him okay. But he has been a trooper. Well we both have been.
Then there is the guilt of this entire situation. I feel like it’s all my fault. I know I have no control over some of the things that are going on with my body. It doesn’t change how I feel though. My doctor has said it’s not my fault. The husband has said it’s not my fault. My therapist has said it isn’t my fault. I can’t help feeling like it is. I can’t get it out of my head that there is something that could have been done to prevent this.I wish all of this just hadn’t happened.
I’m just praying that 2021 has some blessings in store for me. Cause 2020 blessed me in some ways but others I just want to leave behind. I’ll take the lessons I’ve learned from these experiences. Cause let’s be honest if I hadn’t experienced what I experienced I wouldn’t know what I know now. But I wish I could have not learned those lessons this way. I’m just really ready for the end of the year.
2020 has been such a tumultuous year for all of us on a macro level. Not to mention, all the micro things every individual had to deal with.I was reading a Twitter thread, by Dr. Aisha Ahmad, that reminded me that it’s been six months that we’ve been living in this “new normal.” From my vantage point, it appears these “unprecedented times” are weighing on us. Whether that means losing motivation with your passion or career, or struggling to stay sane and balanced between work and family responsibilities, it’s been a challenging period of time for all of us