Redefining My Relationship With My Kids

One of the things that I am aiming on working on this summer with my kids. I noticed the last time they were home that I did a great deal of fussing, complaining, and judging. I mean it was a lot. I didn’t even realize how much I did it until I actually paid attention to myself. I sounded absolutely horrible. Then I noticed whenever I called my children they had this look of “Okay, what did I do now?”. I know that look I’ve had it a few times myself. It says you are only tolerating the person because they hold a title that deserves respect.

My biggest fear is if I keep doing things the way that I am doing them my kids will eventually will either hardly visit or not visit at all. I don’t want them to just come and visit my home because they feel obligated to. I want them to enjoy being around me. I don’t want to have a strained relationship with them at all. Although they will be my kids forever I have to admit that I wasn’t treating them with the respect that I would want as an adult. I know for a fact that if I was being yelled at constantly I wouldn’t want to be around that person.

So I decided this summer I would try my best not to do any of those things. Not constantly yell and complain. If I have a problem I’m going to try to talk to them with respect instead of yelling. I also am not going to nitpick at everything that annoys me. I have a habit of doing that as well. I just want to be different. I’m also am going to try my best to not continuously judge their choices. Cause I want them to continue to share with me. I know for a fact this is going to be the hardest thing for me to do. Cause I just never want to see them fail but if I don’t them try they will never win. Plus if they don’t feel supported they won’t want to talk to me at all.

So in order to do this I reached out to my therapist and asked her for a little advice. I wanted to know what was the best way to approach the situation so that we don’t have a repeat of every summer ever. She suggested that I have a family meeting where The Husband and I clearly state what we expect of the kids while they are home. The goal is for us all to function as a house full of adults and it not be a parents fussing at the kids type situation. So that’s what we did. I told them everything that was expected of them like cleaning up after themselves, trying to find a job while they are home, not eating all the food in the house, coming home at a decent time, keeping in touch, and a few other things. But I have to admit it really did help me mentally. Cause before they got home I was really freaking out as to how I was going to handle the situation because each of my kids have something that they do that annoys me when they get home. I no longer want to consume myself with those things.

For me mentally I just can’t allow myself to be consumed with the things that could happen and the things that I know are going to happen. Besides some of the things I worry about are things they themselves have to figure out. I also can’t dictate how they choose to do the things I ask them to do. If I ask them to do something I have to respect the way they do it. So like if I ask them to fix dinner I can’t get upset with what they decide to cook unless it isn’t cooked properly. I can make them feel supported and be a person they come to for advice. But I just know this summer I would like to just enjoy my kids and not worry about everything that is going right or wrong and arguing. My goal is to make this summer a great one. I want to create memories not nightmares or distance.