When I was younger and I had a project for school I was the queen of waiting until the last minute to complete it. Give me 3 weeks for a project and sure I would work on it here and there but to totally complete the project I would wait until the day before if not 2 days. This caused a lot of problems for me because usually my work reflected that I waited until the last minute and how much of an effort I put into my work. Now there were times I put the effort in and got a better grade. It changed as I got older but there were still occasions to where I waited and waited. Because of this I am trying not to allow my kids to make the same mistakes that I did. Now as I have said before my parents are great. As I got older my work became my responsibility so if I didn’t do my work I got exactly what I deserved. My mom and dad would remind me of a project due date on occasion if they knew about it cause sometimes I would fail to tell them. This is the reason why I check my kids book bag every day. My parents trusted me to tell them what they needed to know and at times I failed to and they found out about it later.
This weekend was a 3 day weekend for many kids where I live because of the Labor Day holiday. Princess S’s science teacher gave her and the rest of the class a project to do where they had to create an element ball. Now I must admit not 100% of this was her fault because I dropped the ball in some areas myself. I will tell you how after I finished telling you what happened. She actually told me about the project Thursday. When she got home Friday I checked her book bag as usual. Now the first thing I noticed was that she had not brought home her science book. This is one of my pet peeves with their school sometimes they tell the students to leave their books at school. This makes no sense to me since the kids would need the book to do their work. Now Princess S told me that her science book held no information about her element which was hydrogen but for me I would think it would have a little. Even if it didn’t we could have at least attempted to look. Then I found out that she didn’t bring home her science notebook (you will find out why this is significant later on in the story). Friday I had her use my phone and write out 10 facts about her element. This was an important part of her project. Her teacher had sent her and her classmates home with a sheet of paper that contained 2 circles with triangles inside. They were to use the sheet to make 18 more circles with the triangles inside and then they were to write 20 facts inside each of them and then use them to form the element ball. Now bear with me because this is important. Now what I am trying to encourage Princess S and Private J to do is not rely on their dad and I to remind them to work on their homework, projects, or to study. For me they know they have stuff to be done so they should do it. Well after Friday I didn’t bring up her project again until Saturday night. I asked her if she was going to work on it and she said yes and that was that. I’m like okay. Sunday I went to church and she and Private J were here with The Husband. I came home and I chilled didn’t think nothing of it. Then I asked her about it again. I asked her if she had worked on it. SHe said no. Now to be fair it was about 8. Okay so here is where I dropped the ball. I found out that she could not find the sheet with the two circles that she showed me on Thursday. We spent over 30 minutes looking for the sheet only to find out that she left it at school in her science notebook which should have came home with her. Then I find out the list of facts that she wrote on Friday she lost those as well. The reason why I say I dropped the ball on these two things is because I should have questioned more about where both were at. However at the same time I think she should be responsible enough to put her things in the proper place and bring whatever she needs home. I finally decided after looking for both for over 30 minutes that we would start from scratch. Did I also mention that she didn’t bring home the instructions for the project. So I had to look everything up online. Though we bumped heads a few times and had to do the project twice we got it done. The reason why we had to do it twice was because the first element ball did not look good at all. So it took a little coaxing and then letting her decide but eventually the decision was made to start over. I think it could have been a much simpler process if she had done every thing she was suppose to
Now the whole time I was helping her look for these items I was fussing. The Husband felt that I was being to hard on her and said that it was partly my fault which of course I got pissed at even though he was partly right. However my irritation was with the fact that I think that at her age she should be more responsible. I mean I can’t hold her hand all the time. I think at this point that when she has a project that she should know to work on it. When she gets in the real world and gets a job I won’t be there to remind her of everything she needs to do and neither will The Husband. I have no problem with reminding her occasionally or help her when necessary but at the same time she needs to realize that her decisions have consequences. I will not be able to save her all the time. There will be times that I will have to just let the chips fall where they lay because I don’t think saving her all the time will teach her anything. Now that doesn’t go to say I won’t help her but I don’t want to be a crutch. I don’t plan on throwing my babies to the wolves and saying just go. I just think I should start making them realize that they should be more responsible. Princess S and I did talk about expectations and why I was reacting the way I was. I told her stories about me in hopes that she would understand what I was expecting of her more. I think she understands but we will see. I was wondering do you think I over reacted or am I expecting to much of her and Private J? I just want my kids o be successful.
Here is a pic of the first project and the final results of what she is turning in:
First Attempt
Second Attempt
It’s tough, I don’t know the right time to turn over the reigns. My daughter is self directed and I have never really had to be after her about her school work. My son is the opposite and it takes a lot of effort from my husband and I to get him on the right track. Both kids are in middle school and are very close in age but far apart in maturity. I certainly don’t want to handicap him by helping too much but I think we still need to be very involved with his work. I tried to back off but that did NOT go well. His grades are good but if he put more effort into school his grades would be great
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Yes I am still trying to figure it out. It is so hard.
As hard as it is to say this, sometimes they have to fail, to see where they went wrong. It helps them learn how to not procrastinate. As a student, I was a extremely last minute project & homework finisher. I’d tell my parents that I didn’t have homework, and actually do it as we were approaching school on the bus the next day. As often as I got punished for bad grades, I still did it.
Once I got to high school, a switch flipped, and once I knew having bad grades kept me from doing things I WANTED to do or join teams, I got my nose in a book, and turned my grades around. It really hurt to not be allowed because I let my procrastination hold me back, but it was worth it in the end.
Yep same thing happened to me.
I raise my kids from young ages to think and decide things for themselves. From the time they were about 3 years old, I’ve given them age-appropriate authority over certain things to prepare them for being responsible for themselves. My kids are now 5, 8, 10, 12 (the only boy) and 13 and they all have a solid understanding of what they are responsible for verses what I am responsible for regarding them and they know they are personally accountable when they fail to follow through on what is expected of them.
My youngest, of course, has far less responsibility than the older kids but she is still expected to select her school clothes (and get approval from me LOL), make sure they are ready for the next morning, do her own homework (with help if she needs it) and make sure that her papers and agenda are signed for school. I know many parents check their younger kids’ folders when they come in. I do not. The first few days, I gave her a reminder that she needs to present her stuff to me and after about the second week of school, she’s on automatic pilot. She comes in, pulls out what needs to be reviewed/signed, hands it to me and starts on her homework.
This is the same way I always did for my older kids and they are all very self-sufficient and responsible for their assignments, etc. I think the best thing you can do for a child is to start them out early in life teaching them to be accountable for themselves and giving them a strong foundation in managing their time and ensuring that they finish what they HAVE to do before they waste time on what they WANT to do. It teaches them to be SELF disciplined rather than waiting until you come along to discipline them for falling short of finishing their duties. Each child is different but I manage responsibility the same way I did breastfeeding — I let my kids be involved in the process and I gently manipulated the timeline of that shift in dependency based on each of their particular needs, personalities, etc. They all self-weaned then and they have always gradually “weaned” away from being dependent on me for other things in much the same manner.
I supervise. I guide. I stay informed. But I do not get involved when it’s not necessary. I want them to continually grow and learn how to live life and not always need me to hold their hands. When it comes to schoolwork like what you are describing, if I see that they are getting off track, I give them a reminder and I outline the consequences for them (ex: If you do not have this project complete and ready to show ME at least 3 days before it’s due, you will be grounded … If you get a bad grade due to poor effort on this project and it results in you bringing home less than a B on your report card, you will not have privileges until progress reports come out to reflect that you’ve pulled that grade up, etc…) which usually gives them incentive to get things done.
I don’t think you were too hard on her. If you do not prepare her for the real world, who will? You can’t hold her hand forever and if she isn’t learning to be responsible and to be personally accountable NOW, then when will she learn? Once she is already grown and has developed poor habits? Being responsible is a HABIT. You’re doing right in making her develop that habit now by expecting her to follow through on what she knows is expected of her without allowing the blame to fall on you as the parent. These are HER tasks to complete. Not yours.
Also, see if your school has their textbooks online. All of my kids’ textbooks can be accessed through an online portal so if they fail to bring them home when they may need them we can still access the content.
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Exactly I totally agree. That’s what I’m trying to do. I think sometimes I come off as a bully but to be honest I just want my kids to apply themselves and be great. I am definitely going to look into seeing if the books are online that would definitely help.
I can relate to what you have written here. My daughter is the complete opposite of me. Growing up, I didn’t need reminders from my mom, I was self-motivated, partly because my mom worked full time and went to school full time. My daughter, on the other hand, depends greatly on me for assistance with work, reminders, and everything school related. My goal this year, is to wean her, and make her able to take responsibility for study habits, homework, and project due dates.
Great post! I’m happy to have found you at the MBBL hop.
xoxo
Carica
Yes we will definitely be working on that as well.
Wow, I’m so far removed from this since our son is just 3.
But I’m hearing so much about homework overload from parents!
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I would probably agree with homework overload if that wasn’t the only assignment she had over those 3 days. I believe we just need to work with both children on being more independent.