I hate confrontation. When I have to confront someone about anything my mind always seems to manage to go to the worse case scenario for me. I just see the person flipping out on me and it turning into a very big argument. In my mind that’s how everything ends. I guess because that is how confronting someone about something they did to me has ended up in the past. So it’s like now whenever I think about confronting someone it turns into a very negative thing for me. This has turned into me just not wanting to ask for anything or telling someone anything that is bothering me. I even hate asking questions about anything, presenting my own ideas, or admitting that I did anything cause usually they don’t end well. So instead of facing my fear I just carry everything around.
In recent years I have slowly started to get comfortable with asking questions and presenting my ideas. However I still struggle with confronting people who have hurt me or did something that bothered me. I have had two situations at work where I had to actually speak to someone about the way that they treat me. One I had to put on my big girl pants and talk to my coworker. Trust me I did everything I could to avoid talking to my coworker. I even told my boss who told me that I needed to talk to her first. I was not thrilled but I did it twice and we seemed to have come to an understanding. But I did not want to do it at all. But I’m glad I did it. However I just wish I didn’t have to. The other situation I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with. This one is all about a matter of respect. This coworker just seems to like to interfere with my classes. For whatever reason she seems to think I need for her to step in for me when I actually don’t . I have told her a few times that I can handle my class but I might have to have a conversation with her but I really don’t want to. Yes I know that if you don’t like the way someone is treating you you should speak up but I really hate having to confront anyone unless I absolutely have to.
As I have more positive reactions from people understanding my feelings I am getting more confident. Now I have to learn to be okay with people not liking what I am telling them. This is a big deal for me because I really don’t like when people get angry with me. That’s actually what is preventing me from talking to my other coworker. She doesn’t appear to be someone who can handle being told that she is doing something wrong. I could be wrong but I know I won’t say anything unless I absolutely have to. Usually with negative reactions I will just go back into myself and avoid confrontation again at all cost. Heck even asking someone a question gives me major anxiety. I actually have to hype myself up. I asked my boss a question recently that surprisingly went really well. But I’m really working on all of these things. I’m also working on finding out where all of my anxiousness came from. But I think the more I do it the more comfortable I will get. I also am working to understand that sometimes my truth will anger people and that there is possibility that they may no longer want to be in my life for awhile or not at all. I also have to be okay with giving people time and space because people don’t always move on quickly, see what they did wrong, or understand. I don’t like hurting people or making people angry with me at all. So I’m working to be okay with that as well. Especially with people close to me. I just don’t have the I just don’t care about people’s feelings things in me. I have told people they hurt me and I was the one who apologized for hurting them instead of the other way around.
As I continue my journey I hope to become stronger and more comfortable with my feelings and confrontation. Right now I’m just accepting that I am a work in progress. I am also learning to be patient with myself and realizing that some things are a process and things just won’t be fixed now. But the main thing I’m learning is just because I think things will go bad doesn’t mean they will. It is just the way I’m looking at it.
