I find myself saying the word spectacular a lot. When I think about writing a blog post I find myself saying that maybe I shouldn’t share this post because it isn’t something that I am doing that is spectacular. I have this whole image that if I share something it has to be something amazing. I guess because when I look at other people’s social media and I compare what they are doing to my life I feel unworthy of sharing my story. I find myself thinking that because I am not doing what everyone else is doing no one will find me interesting. Spectacular or even the word perfect just makes me want to hide.
When I look at social media I find myself comparing my life to others. Some people seem to lead these amazing lifestyles. Then there are some people who just seem to catch their normal lives easily and just make it look so freaking fun. I find myself wondering why I can’t be as spectacular as them. So I find myself just downing my own life and wishing I had that person’s life. I find myself jealous because the person is doing things that I have been constantly saying that I am going to do. I get jealous of seeing people meet their goals and I am still stuck in the same spot that I was in even just a year ago. Because I just want those things that the people have. I would love to be as productive as they are. So what they see as just living their life I see as them doing what I want to do with my life. I just find myself wishing that my life was more. I am just in awe of how people seem to manage to do all they do in 24 hours, months, 365 days. They are living their life to the fullest and I want to do the same.
Being spectacular can be defined as anything. I mean it can be a talent, a art, or just a feeling. For some people just deciding to get up and deal with life made them spectacular because the day before they didn’t want to do it. For others it could be just closing a major deal that they didn’t think they could close. I mean anything could be spectacular. It just has to be seen that way. I struggle with seeing myself that way.
So I have determined that instead of seeing everyone else as spectacular I need to see what I am doing as spectacular. Like if I look at myself over the past few months I would say something that was spectacular about me right now is the fact that I am healthy again. I see myself sharing my story as spectacular. I see that me surviving everything as being spectacular. I am realizing that as much as I find everyone else as amazing or spectacular that I should try to find something spectacular within myself. Cause if I want to be seen as spectacular I have to see myself that way. It’s easy to find what others are doing as awesome or amazing. I think it should be just as easy to find those things in myself. There is nothing wrong with living my life the way I live it. What I am doing could be spectacular to someone else. The thing is I need to live my life to my potential. So that is what I am going to do.
I haven’t gotten much better at waiting–and sometimes I still have dream like that, where I rehearse what it is I am either hoping or dreading may happen. I don’t think I’m alone; many folks have reflected with me how difficult it is to sit in the waiting time, to know that some news is coming but isn’t here yet. Waiting for test results, perhaps. For the other shoe to drop. For the nursing home to call. For the news to become public. For the house to sell. For the college admissions envelope to arrive.