Usually from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant she starts forming dreams of all the things she is going to do with her baby. It could be images of playing with them. All the sports they are going to play. All the things they are going to do together. The ideas become even more clear when they find out the sex of said baby. This of course will happen either at an ultrasound or some parents still like to be surprised and they wait until the baby is born. But either way the ideas and dreams come.I am no different. When I found out I was pregnant the first time(and the second) I immediately started thinking of everything I wanted to do with my baby. I knew no matter what I was going to love my baby unconditionally. I knew I was going to do so many things with my baby. My husband and I decided that the first go round that we wouldn’t find out the sex of the baby. We wanted to be surprised. Imagine my surprise when almost 9 months later (She was 4 days shy of her predicted due date) we found out our baby was a girl.
I was so thrilled. I wasn’t a girly girl but I still had the fantasy of doing all the girly things. You know frilly dresses and tea parties. Things like that. I still wanted those moments with my baby girl. I didn’t always dress my daughter up in frilly dresses but I always tried to find her some cute outfits and hair bows. Of course kids grow and begin to form their own personalities. When Nishe’ was in about the 4th grade she told me how she didn’t really like wearing dresses. Skirts yes. Dresses no. This was about 2 years after she told me she didn’t like hair bows. With the hair bows we agreed she would wear them on occasion but she didn’t have to wear them all the time. It became the same with dresses. She would wear dresses on the rare occasion her dad and I would ask her to. Knowing how she felt we respected her wishes. Cause we wanted our kids to be happy.
Let me be honest though I secretly held out hope that when she reached high school that we would still have those moments for her to dress up. You see although I wasn’t really a girly girl I lived for the high school dances. You know the dances homecoming and prom. You know the whole routine going to pick out the perfect dress (in my case my grandma made my dress on two occasions) and getting your hair done. The excitement of waiting on your date. All the pictures. Well yeah that didn’t happen. Nishe’ just wasn’t into all of that. I thought I had accepted it. But I guess in my mind I thought it would still happen. Just a few weeks ago I brought up prom to her and she was like “I’m not going.” I even told her she didn’t necessarily have to wear a dress she could wear a cute pantsuit like I seen some girls wearing. She was totally not interested. Prom was a few weeks and I finally accepted the day before that she wasn’t interested.
I am realizing that I was still expecting her to be who I wanted her to be in the back of my mind. I was really hoping to get those moments with her. But those moments will not come. I completely understand and respect her for being herself. I still have these little fantasies in my head but whether they come true or not I don’t know. My baby girl is going to live life the way that she wants to. I’m basically along for the ride. I can’t wait to see where she goes in life. I am working on letting go of the expectations that I have for her and just watching her forge her own path in life. I now know how my mom felt when she had the same realization with me. She used to tell me I would understand when I had my own children and I am really beginning to. Kids are going to be who they want to be no matter how you try to shape them. All you can do is give them the tools and you can only shape them to a certain point.